third quarter

In two weeks, this physical body will be 37.

This summer I realized I had lived as many years since graduation as I had prior to “adulthood.”  That said, it could be reasoned that I should be a much more experienced adult than I ever was a child.

The first quarter was all about living for myself; the second attempted to kill these instincts.  Half a life of selfishness — half the life of superman.  The third intends to put these beds to rest.

A quadrant in the left side of my brain enjoys this brand of symmetry.  If half and half proves short of the whole, my life might have more to give.  Three months ago, I married Andrea.  I enjoy her like crazy, but marriage complicates the musings of the perpetual single writer.  Another hard <enter> required…

As I re-explore the art of writing, it’s as a man making halftime adjustments.  Somewhere between selfishness and self-loathing rests the dormant remnant of sacred Love.  I’ve tasted the goodness of my Lord; I’ve dabbled in the first-fruit of Spirit led movement.  However, I recognize two conflicts that prevent me from diving into His holy feast:

1. I’m unabashedly “American”

2. I engage with a spiritual culture that thinks itself well.

You ask, “What’s so defective about thinking myself well?”  For starts, it’s an erroneous belief from the start.  If you and I were well, God would be little more than a hardy affirmation of our goodness — the kind of authority that always tells us what we want to hear, because honestly, we’re well enough to be on the same wavelength with or without His daily guidance.

(See, some of you are digging in your heels already.  God is your incessant at-a-boy, and you LOVE it that way.)

So I’ll make it more personal… my favorite distinction of first-hand testimony is that it isn’t open to debate.  By logic, many can disagree with my theology or attitudes against humanity; on the other hand, my personal experience is only subject to belief in my word or belief against it.  Either way, the reader must exercise faith.  You can see why I prefer it…

It’s erroneous to think myself well because everything I’ve ever desired apart from Christ has only served my vanity.  If humanity is capable of wellness through social justice, religion, education, and the like, why do well-intended people disagree about what makes us well?  Certainly, there would be some continuity.  Trust me, I’ve tried it all.  The only harmony to my righteous deeds is that they didn’t make me better.

Some people hate Christian writings because they find them hateful.  I find it freeing to know that being unwell is our expected state of being.  My admission of guilt was the only relief I’ve ever found, and not because it was gratifying to get it off my chest.  It was relieving because… because…

Because you say, “I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,” and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked,I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see.Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. (Revelation 3:17-21)

My admission allows Him to make me well.  Turn the lights off as you exit the locker room; it’s game time.


Published by: a.w. marks

A 30-something seeking comfort in nostalgia -- a generational tweener reconciling his childhood with the post-comm world. A Christian, a newlywed, a Romantic, and a Wikipedia addict; you would phone this friend if a million was on the line. He wouldn't even expect you to share.

Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s